Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Seeing Chelsea Handler live was always a dream of mine, but being able to see her in Australia made it twice as awesome and probably twice as funny. I felt like I got a lot of her jokes faster, being an American, than the Aussies did, because I was laughing out loud the entire time. Let's just say there was a lot of racism involved, which always cracks me up. As I have already noted, there are LOTS of asians in Australia. I was actually told that this country might be over 50% asian. That can't be true, but they are everywhere. In America we are used to seeing a lot more blacks than slits, and here there are NO black people. Chelsea was upset by this..."Where are all the black people? I'm used to having a lot of black people in the audience and I like that because they think EVERYTHING's funny. Now i'm worried because there aren't any here...The best is at book signings when they tell me to write their name and they tell me its "Damiracle." Black people just think they can make up names like one time some girl had a 4 in her name. You can't just put a fucking number in the middle of your name. Imagine having sex with someone that had a number for a name. You'd be like "Give it to me 50."" I DIED when she said this reference to hooking up with 50 cent. The Australians laughed too but they just thought she was just making a joke, I don't think they understood the joke behind the joke. She went on to tell a story about Chuy doing a porno back in the day and when her ex boyfriend found out about it he was pretty pissed. Her response to this anger was, "HE"S A MEXICAN MIDGET, WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO?" I fucking love chuy and later he came out on a motorized chair and slapped Chelsea's ass. A lot of the jokes she made were from her last book, because the show was part of the book tour. For example she talked about "The feeling," meaning her learning to masterbate at a very young age and loving it. She acted it out on stage for a good 10 minutes. My favorite parts of the show was when she talked about hating when people have kids who shouldn't and of course when she made fun of the asians. During the show, I found out that she absolutely hates Angelina Jolie, and that she has had 3 abortions. She told the audience that she takes the morning after pill every morning, even when she hasn't had sex...While being racist, she tried to say she wasn't, bc she didn't say "you smell like an egg roll," or "you have straight pubic hair." This was all highly offensive i'm sure to the Asians in the crowd, but I LOVED it. She is my idol for sure and I am going to see her again, whether it's in Chicago, Missouri or LA.